Look, I know what you’re thinking. This guy never blogs. It’s been what… half a year? It is kind of hard to be a full-time blogger though when I’m also a PROFESSIONAL VOLLEYBALL PLAYER. Many of us have the dream of being an independently wealthy sports athlete, and I just happened to make that dream come true. By playing volleyball. On my university volleyball team. I got paid a small stipend to be on the team. Therefore, I am a professional volleyball player. I’m still working on the whole “independently wealthy” thing though.
I’ve played on the university volleyball team every year that I’ve been in China, save for last year when my shoulder decided that I shouldn’t be sporty during the fall sports’ season. I’m on a team of faculty and staff who play other’s schools’ faculty and staff in a tournament. A Chinese tournament. A Chinese tournament that makes absolutely zero sense. Until this year, we’ve never even won a match, just a few games here and there. Why? Well, firstly, we’ve never been very good. And secondly, the Chinese take their volleyball VERY seriously. Most of the school’s we play against have coaches barking orders during the matches. And they all have uniforms. I’m out there in my workout clothes looking like the 40 something has-been I really am.
I was on the IR for most of 2022. But, do to my extensive rehab and intestinal fortitude, I was given the okay (reluctantly… by my wife) to rejoin the volleyball team this year in time for the mid-November tournament. Our first game, on a Monday… was rained out. Our second game on Tuesday… the court was still wet from the first rainout and we once again did not play. Finally, on the third day… Wednesday, my teammates and I took the court.
Let me try to explain this tournament bracket as best as I can remember. Here’s a picture of part of the schedule:
Look, I understand tournaments. I’ve played in tournaments. I’ve even scheduled some tournaments. I watch tournaments on TV. I am obsessed with March Madness. But this tournament…. the Super Duper Chinese University Volleyball Tournament… I surely did not understand. I think there were 16 schools playing. And the first few games, you play some schools. Sometimes you play one match a night, sometimes you play two matches. When you win, you play more. Then somehow, there’s an Elite Eight, and then a Final Four. But then one of the four teams is the P.E. School, which, because they’re all super good, really can’t be allowed to play in the tournament. But we still play them, kind of like an international friendly. So, that leaves three teams out of the final four to be crowned champion. At this point, the tournament, inexplicably, switches to a points system, where you get points for winning. The team with the most points is champion, with the other two teams coming in second and third. Are you still following me? I’m pretty sure they just made up new tournament rules each night. I never knew who we were playing, why were playing, how many matches we would play, and what it meant if we won or loss.
Let’s return to the actual matches. Like I said, we’ve never won a match. But this year, we had a few ringers on the team. One of our faculty stands a stout 6’9″. We also have a husband/wife duo both close to 6 feet each. We have a tiny guy who runs around the court like a freaking cheetah. We also have a member of the Communist party on the team. She will smite people if they don’t so as they’re told. And then there’s me – I’m serviceable. We also had a nice squad of quality benchwarmers who could come in to deliver quality serves and kills. Speaking of that, when did those terms change? In 8th grade gym class, I learned bump, set, spike. Now people are like… ” YOU GOTTA SAY PASS…. YOU HAVE TO SAY KILL…. IF YOU DON’T, YOU’RE A NOOOOOOB.” We also had a great fanbase. Many of the faculty and staff who weren’t playing, along with a ton of our students came out to cheer us on. Most of them cheered in Chinese, so I have clue what they were saying. But I assume, when translated, it sounded something like “Rob is the G.O.A.T. of Chinese Volleyball.”
So yeah, our team was better than previous seasons. We won our first match. We won our second match. We made it to that magical elite eight, and then the final four! Because of the rain, the tournament was broken up between two weeks. I was thankful. as my lower bank, knees and ankles hate me. I mean HATE me. Epsom salt baths, massage rollers, ice and rest did little to alleviate the hate my body parts had for me. But we all made it safe and sound to the finals. We lost our first match there, meaning we didn’t get a point for winning. The next night, we played the P.E. Team, which again, I don’t think it counted. Someone said we could have received a point for winning, but since we didn’t know that, we just mostly tanked the game and relaxed. We then played the other team, and in a lovely three game match, I served an ACE on the final point to win the whole dang thing. By whole dang thing, I am speaking about the match, not the tournament. That other team that beat us also beat the team we beat, so they had more points in the end. You read that correctly. So, we came in second. Which, out of 16 schools, was pretty damn impressive.
Oh… it doesn’t end here.
Immediately following the final game, there was an awards ceremony. Some dude rolled out a portable speaker system on the court and instructed us to all stand in lines. I mean… like… a relay race type of line, with each of us facing straight ahead and one behind the other. They said some things in Chinese, then brought over the 3rd place team to receive a team trophy… AND….. milk… AND…. shampoo. Yes, those were the actual prizes for each member of the team. Next up, was us, in 2nd place. We were given a trophy, and then each member of our team was awarded… milk… and… a bag a rice. If you’re scoring at home, Shampoo < Rice. They then called on the Champs, and that team got a trophy…. and milk… and… wait for it… a GIGANTIC BOTTLE OF COOKING OIL. Again, if you’re scoring at home – Shampoo < Rice < Cooking Oil. Finally, even though they technically couldn’t win, they brought the PE team up to give them some awards too. Honestly, I have no idea what they were given because I was too busy toting around my milk and rice.
We all took some pictures afterwards, and now there’s talk of having an end of tournament dinner for the team. And, since I’m a professional, I’ll get a tiny bonus on my paycheck at the end of the month. Maybe next year we can win the whole thing! Or just spring for some actual uniforms! Or finally understand how Chinese Volleyball Tournaments work.
