“Hey… wanna have a catch?”
A great line from a great movie. But no, I won’t be talking about cornfields or baseball this time. Rather, I’m talking about catch as in catching up – you know, what the heck we’ve been up to lately.
Another quote, err, this time lyric just popped in my head – “Wake me up when September Ends.” Let’s change it up a bit and make it more personal, shall we? Wake me up, when NOVEMBER ends. For the most part, I have an amazing life. But for the past 3 Novembers, unfortunate circumstances have reared their heads.
Case(s) in point:
November 2019 – Grade 5 separated shoulder and my father’s passing
November 2020 – Blood clot in my sinus
Both of these events required surgery, in a hospital, with doctors, and drugs and in general things that make me very nervous.
I did say the past 3 Novembers didn’t I? We of course can’t forget about this last November. It was a lovely day. Actually, I have no idea if it was a lovely day, because I have no idea when this happened. I woke up one morning in November with shoulder pain. The same shoulder that I surgery on in 2019. I thought it was probably just soreness from working out. I’d been doing a lot of that recently. A lot of pushups and pullups to be exact. Let’s throw in some dumbbell work and kettlebells swings for good measure as well. The soreness didn’t go away though, and after a few days, I couldn’t sleep on the shoulder and could barely get out of bed in the morning. I talked it over with my better half, and she suggested in a calm and polite way for me to, “GO TO THE HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW YOU BIG STUPID PERSON.” I may have left out some adjectives there. Or added a few. Who knows, I had shoulder pain.
I had no intention of going back to the dreaded Hospital Number 5. Too many bad memories in that place. I had been told by a few of my colleagues at work that there was more of an expat hospital in Guangzhou. Guangzhou is about an hour and a half away from us. So… like Charlotte to Hickory. Or 5 blocks in NYC. You get the picture. Anyway, this hospital was supposed to be really nice. Mostly everyone spoke English, and they even took my insurance. That was a big deal. Hospital Number 5 did NOT take my insurance. So anytime I went there, I’d had to pay up front, and then get reimbursed by my insurance company whenever they got around to it.
I gave the hospital a call, and a pleasant lady who spoke perfect English walked me through making an appointment. I was immediately sent a text confirming my appointment. Off to a good start. Because my wife enjoys any chance to get away, we made an appointment at the hospital on a Saturday. That way, we could head to Guangzhou on a Friday and stay in a hotel, then do the doctor stuff the next day. She of course booked us some boujee hotel that my children will never fully appreciate. We may or may not have told one of our children to hide in the hotel lobby bathroom while we checked in so we wouldn’t be charged for a second child.
I prefer to bring my better half with me to all doctor visits. Why? Because I’m a stupid man who will not ask the right questions and most of the time completely forget whatever the doctor tells me to do. So having the smarter gender beside me is beneficial in such situations. After showing 2 different QR Green Codes just to get into the hospital, we wandered around just a bit before we found where I needed to go. The nurses were great. They all spoke English and had super-duper customer service. This hospital was also super-duper clean and NOT super-duper crowded. We met with an orthopedic surgeon. He was the head of the department and has performed over 10,000 surgeries. He was a very nice dude. Once he examined my shoulder, he ordered a x-ray. So some security dude came and got me, then took me town to get that done. There was no wait, and even the people in that room spoke English and had amazing customer service. That whole process took 10 minutes from leaving the doctor’s office to getting back to him. By the time I had returned, my doctor already had the x-ray up on his computer and… didn’t look happy.
The good news? It was not a grade 5 shoulder separation like 2 years ago. The bad news? It was a grade 3 shoulder separation. He said something else looked a little funny and wanted me to get an MRI. Now this is where I got worried. Not about the shoulder, but the MRI. I’ve avoided getting one for 46 years. My Dad told me horror stories about freaking out inside the MRI machine. So yeah, I wasn’t excited about the process. The security guard took me back down and they made sure I was metal free before plunging me, as nice as possible I might add, inside the MRI machine. They gave me some headphones, which I assumed would have some music, but no, there was only silence. The headphones just slightly muffled the banging and clicking sound the machine made for the next 30 minutes. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. At most, I was bored and a little hot. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for a bit during the process.
Right back to the doctor, who once again was already looking at the results when I got back to him. Diagnosis? A complete tear of my rotator cuff. So yeah, I had re-separated my shoulder and torn a tendon. Good times. I asked the doctor if this would require surgery. He laughed and said of course it would. My better half wanted me to have the surgery immediately. By immediately, I think she meant that very same day. Or maybe as soon as possible. You’ll have to ask her. I, however, wanted to wait. I didn’t want to take time off work. I’ve had to do that for the past 2 Novembers, and I didn’t want to have to do it again. So it was agreed between the doctor and I, and begrudgingly by my lady, that we would wait until the end of the year to do the surgery. We set the date for December 28th, which yes, was over a month away. I asked the doctor if I needed some kind of cast or sling. He laughed and said no. My wife was able to force some medication out of the man, but that did very little to help with the pain. So yes, I spent the rest of the month and basically all of December walking around with a broken shoulder.
I was able to manage the pain, for the most part, though sleeping was a major issue. The bed wasn’t working, so I moved to the couch where I could prop myself up. That worked okay, with me getting 4 to 5 hours of restless sleep most nights. My wife suggested we order some kind of recliner. I used one in the States when I was recovering from the first surgery, and it helped me sleep better. I bought a recliner off the internet the next day. And yes, you get what you pay for. I bought a super cheap recliner that, while it feels perfectly fine to sit in, is in no way made for sleeping in. Even my daughter tried to sleep in it recently and ended in bed beside her mother.
Let’s pump the breaks before we get to the gory surgery details. Other things happened in my life, our lives. There was a gala, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a new mall, Outback, a speech competition, oh… Halloween, a puppy. Dammit, sad news there. I won’t even rehash that one. And yes, it happened in November.
Halloween went well here, as we did some more adult oriented things. The kids still had their fun, mostly at school, as well. We decided to do a family Marvel theme this year. Me as Fat Thor, the wifey as Scarlett Witch, my son as Loki and my daughter as… well… she said no to marvel and instead was a zombie skater girl. Which technically still counts if you include her in the Marvel “What If?” zombie episode. The adulting came in the form of a costumed trivia night at the local pub, and then another mostly Squid Game themed party the next night. I still went as Fat Thor to the Squid Game party though, because I’m a man of simple pleasures.
We once again attended a special Gala in town that helped raise money for local Autistic Children. The event was at a super nice hotel, and the wifey and I even booked a room to stay over for the night. I’m pretty sure it’s the best hotel room we’ve ever stayed in, and that’s saying a LOT, but we’ve stayed in a BUNCH of hotel rooms throughout our adventures.
We celebrated Thanksgiving with my colleagues, as the college hosted a small Thanksgiving dinner for us, plus bring your own potluck type of deal. We brought deviled eggs, which many of our of Chinese friends thought were a dessert. I mean, what are they, exactly? I could eat them as an appetizer, during the main course, as a dessert, a midnight snack. I submit to you that there is no wrong time to eat deviled eggs. They’re really high up on my list of favorite foods. Anyway, the turkey was decent, the desserts were amazing and my son… mostly ate pizza. And some brownies!
December was a blur. The family was winding down the end of the semester, both at the school and the university. There were Christmas carnivals, final exams, final papers, presentations, all the normal schooly stuff. I even took my history students on a field trip to a local history museum. It was a fun trip! The museum is relatively new and super nice. I even brought the family along and my kids (my real ones and my students) didn’t hate it. Success! Christmas also went all. The elf on the shelf only forgot to move one time during the month and Santa showed up and did his thing. We even did a gift exchange with our awesome neighbors/friends on Christmas Eve. We also had Christmas day dinner at a Thai restaurant with friends. Great food! The restaurant is in a brand-new mall that’s pretty close to us. It even has an indoor go-kart track so of course the kiddos were happy. The holiday was magical was usual.
Annnnnnd…. now back to my shoulder. We decided to spend the week after Christmas in Guangzhou, for both my surgery and a vacation for the family. We headed up to GZ on the 26th. I did a pre-op visit with the doc, where he fully explained the procedure – he was going to put some metal buttons on either side of my bones and splice them together with human cadaver tissue. They may be one of the strangest sentences I’ve ever typed. Yes, to small metal plates to hold the bone in place, and human skin to tie it all down. And then he’d go over and fix up my torn tendon as well. Essentially, I’d walk out of the hospital as a Zombie (human cadaver tissue) Cyborg (metal implant). I know what you’re thinking: Yes, it would be neat to see a Zombie Cyborg movie. No, you cannot steal this idea for your book and/or screenplay.
We did get to do some needed vacation stuff while in Guangzhou. We found out there was an Outback in a mall there and went multiple times. It’s not as good at the Outback in the States, but it’s a little taste of home – as little of a taste as an Australian-themed, US based restaurant located in China can be. We also hit up a really cool aquarium and zoo… both of which were… in a mall. China is a little… err… different about their animals. So yes, we were able to see beluga whales, artic foxes, wolves, sea turtles, and walruses at an aquarium in a mall, and then also saw a sloth, prairie dogs and pigs… at a zoo… in a mall.
Sea Turtles 
Wolf 
Seal 
Artic Fox 
Whatever this is 
Sloth 
Hottie McHotterson
And now… finally to the main event of the evening – surgery. I checked in to my super nice private hotel room late in the day and then signed my life away on a bunch of forms. They made me do quite a bit of manscaping on my chest and arms, then told me I had to take a shower. I dunno, I just do what they tell me. They finally whisked me away to surgery, knocked me out and the doctor did what he’s paid to do. I woke up feeling hunky dory, and was wheeled back to my room where my family awaited my triumphant return. It was a little weird that they had some kind of bleeding tube connected to my chest, but I guess that’s how the Chinese do it. I spent an extra day in the hospital to recover and be monitored, then spent one more night in the hotel before we headed home. We had a driver pick us up and take us home, and of course got in a car accident 30 minutes from making it to our place. Rear ended, everyone was okay, but pretty shaken up, and all of us were sore the next day. But we’re alive and look better than either one of the cars. New Years? I went to bed at 9:30. I think my son made it to midnight.
Okay, let’s wrap this up. We’re into 2022 now. The wife and kids are back in school and I’m at home recovering nicely. I had my first follow up appointment yesterday and the doctor says everything looks good. I am currently planning on taking over the world, or killing everyone. It depends on which part of my Zombie Cyborg body decides to be more dominant. Only time will tell.
More photos!
