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Annual Surgery in China – 2023 Edition

A trip to Thailand and then to the Hospital. The Year of the Rabbit has the good and the bad.

The year of the Tiger, 2022, came and went.

Cue the Year of the Rabbit – 2023.

This is my year, at least according the Chinese Zodiac thing. So that means 2023 was going to be great, right? It certainly started off that way, for sure! Covid-19 slowly began to not be a problem as China finally started opening back up to the world. We celebrated the start of his new year by taking a two-week family vacation to the absolutely amazing country of Thailand.

We split the time between Krabi and Phuket, doing really cool stuff like this:

Seriously, we had a blast after basically being stuck in China for vacations since 2019. Don’t get me wrong, our vacations in China kicked big ol’ booty, but we moved to this part of the world to also visit other amazing places like – Thailand. As you can see, we did everything. We hung out and relaxed at resorts, took longboat trips to tropical islands, swim with the fishies in crystal clear ocean water, ate scrumptious island food, got stung by jellyfish, watched a family do a fire show on the beach, visited Hard Rock Cafe, got our hair “did”, received 30 minute leg massages for 6 USD, spent time at an elephant sanctuary, saw a dude who was missing fingers kiss king cobras, visited the Big Buddha, hung out with monks, got sunburnt, went parasailing, not to mention of bunch of other things I’m already forgetting. It was exactly the type of trip we have dreamed about, and exactly what we needed in the moment. My better half is already wanting a return trip there and/or to just move to Thailand straight away.

We returned to China in mid-January totally relaxed. This winter was super mild. I’m a hairy beast, so I’m normally not cold, but even my family rarely even needed a light jacket to battle these “harsh” conditions. Before the kids headed back to school, we even spent another mini-vacation in Macau where we shopped and got fatter on American style food. My beautiful bride celebrated her birthday at a super cool French restaurant. The actual French chef came out from the back to wish her a happy birthday and treated us like VIPs. I even found a little barbershop in the historical Portuguese section of Macau where the owner gave me my first truly professional beard trim in four years.

Next up was Chinese New Year, the yearly celebration where China goes ALL OUT. It has been mostly subdued during the pandemic, but this year returned to all its previous glory. I kid you not, there were fireworks every night, hours long, for 3 weeks straight. And since we live right near the South China sea, these fireworks were as close to us as your standard July 4th celebration. We may have gotten a bit tired of them after, oh I dunno, day 2. After the annual festivities, the kids went back to school, and we went back to work. February came and went. That mild winter turned into an early spring. China officially cancelled all Covid policies in March, heralding in my wife immediate booking a trip back to the homeland this summer. They even told us to stop wearing masks (in most places). It was truly a excellent start to 2023.

Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnddd….. then it happened. Come on, we all knew it was too good to be true. Look, I’m generally a very positive person, but after 3 surgeries since coming to China, I’m always looking over my shoulder. Not the bad shoulder though. That’s the right one that I completely shattered in 2019. No no, I look over my left shoulder, cause I’m a Southpaw. Anyway, back to “it”. In the middle of March, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen and then eventually that pain moved slowly around to the lower left side of my back. I immediately knew what it was, as way back in 1997, during my senior year of university, I had the exact same issue. A kidney stone. In 1997, I freaked out about it and spent the night in the hospital because I didn’t know what it was. This time period was where my phobia of hospitals comes from. I think I’ve mentioned that issue before, so here’s the background story. Back then, my parents drove up to hang out with me in the hospital. The next morning, they wheeled me down to radiology for an x-ray. While I was waiting, I was placed beside this elderly lady who was lying on a gurney. This lady proceeded to scream the entire time I was there, yelling literally right beside me how she was in so much pain and wanted nothing more to die. My Dad was with me, and felt so bad for me that he tried to stand in between me and the screaming woman. I “felt” her pain. There was no exaggeration in her voice. She was 100% real. It scarred me. Since that moment, I’ve always been super scared of hospitals. I HATE going to them. They make my blood pressure rise through the roof. Jumping out of airplanes, bungeying off towers, bugs, horror movies, American politics, none of that bothers me as much as a trip to the local hospital.

Let’s return to present day – March of 2023. So, I felt that same stabbing pain in my left kidney area. Now, I won’t be getting into a pissing match about whose pain is worst, which disease hurts more or any of that jazz. But for me, kidney stones are absolutely horrible. My Dad had at least 7 of them that I know of. My Dad is my hero. My Dad never showed pain. But I knew when he had the stones. I started feeling this pain and my first thought was to be a typical man. I’ll wait it out. I’ll pass it. Everything will be fine. So that’s what I did. I started feeling the pain on a Sunday, went to work all the next week, soldiered through like a real champ, not even telling a soul about the issue other than my rock, my wife. She’s the good type of rock, not like a kidney stone. But, by the end of the week, the pain was worse, much worse and I was having trouble doing the one thing you should do the most when you have a kidney stone – urinating. So, with the pain through the roof and my blood pressure looking like two numbers that were surface temperatures on the Sun, I headed up late one evening to Guangzhou, to the hospital that really caters to expats. They all know me and my family there. We have issues, okay? We go there. A LOT. By the time I got the hospital, I was in so much pain that I rushed out of the car and straight to the bathroom. I figured that they would need a urine sample, so I just did my business in a water bottle. The nurse told me later that I contaminated it and it couldn’t be used, but thankfully I had another gallon of urine in me to force out for her. They checked me into the ER at that time of night, stuffed an IV in me, ran some x-rays and a very nice doctor eventually told me the news. I had kidney stones. In fact, I had not 1 but 3 KIDNEY STONES. One was in my left ureter, one was in my left kidney, and one was in my right kidney.

The ER doctor recommended I see the urologist first thing the next morning. So that’s what I did. And of course they ran some more scans of me. Through an MRI, or Cat Scan, CT Scan (I obviously have limited knowledge of medical terminology), it was determined that the stone in my ureter was 3mm and “may” pass on its own. But the two stones in my kidneys were 5mm each and would require immediate surgery to remove because they were basically blocking the flow of urine from my kidneys to my bladder. My urologist explained it like this: Robert… you have 3 stones. 1 small, 2 big. Robert, you are too fat to do laser surgery, so we’re gonna go up your hoo-ha, break the stones apart with magical soundwaves, pull those broken apart stones out your hoo-ha, then put 2 stents in your ureters for two weeks so that any parts of the stones left can better flow out of your body. Side note – I may have slightly exaggerated the way my urologist spoke to me, but most of it is true and he did say I was too fat.

After going back and forth with the hospital and my insurance company to make sure everything would be covered, I was scheduled for surgery two days later. The family came up to be with me then, as they love any excuse to stay in a hotel. Although, with as many times we’ve stayed in hotels for medical trips, they have started to tire of the experience. So, my surgery was scheduled for April Fools Day. Yes, yes, I know… very apropos isn’t it? I was prepped for surgery early that morning, then wheeled down to the surgical ward. Everything is always a little weird in China. They speak a lot of Chinese to each other, then a little bit of English to me now and then. They are really concerned about contamination, so of course they put a shower cap on my head, then they put not one but two surgical masks around my face, chin and neck to cover up my ginormous beard. My doctor was a little late to the surgery, so I was waiting there patiently on the operating table, IV in, anesthesia ready to go. Did I mention my doctor is about 4’11’, 95 lbs and has bright yellow/orange hair? He also looked like he was 14 years old. Anyway, he finally made his grandiose appearance, I feel asleep and surgery got underway.

The surgery was successful, I guess. At least that’s what the doctor said. He got most of the stone fragments out, and inserted two ureteral stents inside me that would remain in there for two weeks, at which time I would come back for another quick surgery to remove them.

Here are some lovely medical pictures of my stones and the stents. If you don’t like medical stuff, please skip ahead.

So, while the surgery was successful, my diminutive doctor friend told me the stents would have to stay in for two weeks, they might be quite painful, and I could expect to regularly urinate blood for a fortnight. Good times. I was discharged the next day and sent home to recover. The first few days went well. I had some pain medication, and that seemed to work for the time being. I did indeed pee a lot of blood though. Then day three came and the pain returned, tenfold. I suffered through as best I could, but by the fifth day, the second in a row that I hadn’t gotten sleep, we were starting to get worried. I was in a ton of pain. I had a fever. I was nauseous. The left side of my chest was tight and hurting. My blood pressure was through the roof again. I was finding it hard to get a full breath. I know what you’re thinking. We were thinking the same thing. My better half rushed me back to the hospital, first up to see the urologist. Once my wife basically verbally assaulted them (in a nice way) because I wouldn’t advocate for myself, they immediately transferred me over to the ER just in case my heart was going to give out. I had a different ER doctor this time, but even better than the first. He ran me through all the battery of tests, and then asked a question we hadn’t even considered – “have you been coughing this week? Do you feel sick?” Why yes, I had been coughing at the beginning of the week, and I did feel like I had a cold. But I figured that was just me feeling icky after surgery. This good doctor then rammed a tester thingy up my nose and I’m pretty sure touched my brain. Sometime later, he comes back to inform me that I had H1N1 Flu. That explained all the sick symptoms and the tightness in my chest. All the cardio results were normal. As was a test for pneumonia. But, on top of the flu, I also had a kidney infection from the surgery. The stents themselves were fine, but as my urologist explained a little later when he dropped by, “Robert… you are too fat. The surgery was difficult. It probably caused the infection.” Thanks, you tiny person. They pumped my arm full of painkillers, which thankfully helped. We begged them to take the stents out, but they insisted that they needed to remain in for one more week. So once again, we headed back home, this time with antibiotics, Tamiflu and super duper strong pain pills.

The next week was rough. I’m not one to take pain medication, but I needed it about every 8 hours just to make it through each day. By the end of that second week though, I was ready to get those stents the heck out of dodge. Dodge, being my ureters of course. Thankfully, they put me back asleep again, as I did not want to be awake for anything hoo-ha related. When I woke up, once again I was told everything went well. I even got to go home a couple hours later. I was told to take it easy for four weeks. Not to do any lifting, exercise, drive a car, even go to work. That was on Sunday. Last Monday, I drove to work. And then I did it again on Wednesday. I avoided the 5 flights of stairs though and settled for the elevator. Thankfully I haven’t gotten any worse this past week. I still feel lousy though. And just plain tired. Like I need a nap after putting a bag of groceries away tired. As I’m writing this on Sunday night, April 23rd, I’m just starting to feel a little better, minus what feels like a UTI and still dog tired. But hey, I think I got my annual surgery out of the way! In 62 days, we’ll be in the good old US of A for summer vacation, a 30 year high school reunion, and much needed time with both sides of the family and dear friends. We’ll then be coming back to China for at least one more year.

Why?

Tiny doctors.

Here’s to the Year of the Rabbit.

Your Guide to All Things Disneyland Hong Kong

WARNING!

THIS BLOG POST WILL BE ABOUT DISNEY!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

OK, you still here? Good. Some folks get tired of hearing about Disney all the time. But hey, when you go to Disneyland with your family, you want to talk about it and post pics, right? And, if you go to Disneyland… In Hong Kong… it sounds even cooler, right? Right???

China has a National Day just like the States have Independence Day. But instead of a day off from work or school, we got a whole week. I ain’t complaining. We knew we wanted to use this first holiday to get away for a bit so our first thought – Disneyland. Its not too far away from us, and after a quick web search, we found out that it was a LOT cheaper than the Mickey lands stateside. We decided to even stay at Disney for a few days because of the great prices of their hotels. We were waiting for payday to actually make our purchase, so we hadn’t pulled the trigger on anything the week leading up to the holiday. That’s when we got some red flags about our trip that had us second and third guessing our plans. The folks at work told me that Disneyland Hong Kong may be slammed full of Chinese during the holiday because, well, it’s a holiday. We aren’t the Disney family that will stand in lines for hours, so we immediately began to work on Plan B.

Plan B could have been a trip to Vietnam or South Korea or Thailand or any other little trip that was dirty cheap. We even looked into a really cheap flight to Russia, but we need visas and that would have taken more time to get than we had. But that’s a trip we’re now thinking about for the future! We still weren’t sure what we wanted to do the Friday before the weeklong holiday started. That’s when we heard that Disneyland might not be so crowded. Why? The Hong Kong protests. If you have no idea what I mean by that, just watch some national news. There was a news article we found that said Disneyland Hong Kong was almost empty because tourists were scared away from Hong Kong for fear of their safety. Now, thankfully we know that Disneyland is pretty far away from where the actual protests are/have been taking place, so we (well me. Alanna wasn’t so sure) were fairly certain that we would be fine making it to and from Disney. So, after going from Plan A to Plan B and then back to Plan A, we finally booked our tickets and hotel reservations the NIGHT BEFORE WE LEFT, and were all set to head to the happiest place in the world. Oh, and we still got a really good deal.

When travelling to Disney in the states, you will most likely drive there if you’re close enough to do so, or hop on a plane, rent a car, take the shuttle, the works. For us in China? Let’s just say it was a process. The short version – we took a car to a border – went through Chinese immigration office – went through customs – got on a bus – crossed the world’s longest bridge – which also went through an underwater tunnel – arrived in Hong Kong – went through Hong Kong immigration – went through customs – got on another bus – made it to Disney – got on another bus – arrived at a Disney hotel. Total time travelled? About four hours. But it was a smooth four hours will minimal snags or breakdowns from our children, so I consider that a win. We also didn’t let the kids know we were going to Disney, only to Hong Kong, so when we finally arrived at Disney and they saw where we were, we became the parents of the year.

For those of you that are interested, I’ll give you a quick highlight/review of Disneyland Hong Kong –

Overview –

The park itself is much smaller than the American counterparts. Most people say you could hit everything in one full day, but we went for two days so we could take our time. Disney HK is basically just one park – Magic Kingdom kind of thing which consists of Main Street USA, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Fantasyland, Toy Story Land, Grizzly Gulch and Mystic Point. For those of you that are Disney veterans, please forgive me if I get anything wrong or it sounds a little off – its been awhile since I’ve been to a Disney park. The last time was Disneyworld with the college crew in 1994.

The Hotel –

Our hotel was one of the older ones, though still in great condition and very nice. The room had two Double Beds. Yeah, I know. That was the largest bed we could get unless you only got a one King Room, but I couldn’t throw the kids on the floor. So, we squeezed into those Double beds for two nights. There’s a dinner and breakfast buffet here and Chef Mickey visited us both times to take photos. Most of the food is still of an Asian flare, but there’s a decent amount of western items sprinkled in so that my kids could get some calories. While the dinner was great, the breakfast buffet was DA BOMB. Anything you could think of, they had. Well, except for grits. But its China.

The hotel also had a grand piano-shaped pool we took full advantage of, as well as a nice walking area with a view of the Hong Kong coastline. The shuttle bus to and from the hotel to the park took us less than 5 minutes. Alanna and I agreed we made the right decision on staying on Disney island.

Main Street USA –

The area everyone is funneled into once you get into the park. You’ll find all the overpriced Disney swag, photo hawkers, survey takers and everything else helpful for your journey down this crowded road.

Tomorrowland –

We headed straight to Space Mountain, or as it’s called in HK land, Hyperspace Mountain. They basically modified the whole thing to have a Star Wars theme to it. The line wasn’t bad. We even got to sit in the very front. I love rollercoasters and from what I remember – Space Mountain was pretty tame by coaster standards. Hyperspace, however, was about 90% dark the entire time, with occasional Star Wars sounds and lights that would pop up now and then. Logan and I had a decent time, my wife and daughter hated it like the plague and also hated me for next hour. There was a great Disney ride photo of all four of us – Logan and I smiling, having a good time, Alanna looking like she was going to puke, and Abby with her head between her legs. The photo was blurry though and not worth buying, but it completely captured each of our feelings while travelling at light speed.

Other highlights of Tomorrowland – Antman and Wasp ride – your standard sit in a cart and ride slowly around while shooting at targets. The Iron Man Experience – 3D VR ride. This was fun, but Alanna broke the machine. Like, literally.

Alanna has one superpower, and that is that anytime she is around technology, she shorts it out with her mind. We had to wait 5 minutes in our seats while they repaired whatever was wrong with the ride. Multiple technicians were called in to fix the problem before we were allowed to ride it.

We also ate lunch in Tomorrowland. This isn’t America Disney, so you don’t find all that scrumptious junk food here. It has more of a Chinese flare, which of course, our children didn’t enjoy. Typical park food though, nothing to write home about.

We also signed up the kids for the Jedi Training show, which was done in a weird combination of Chinese and English. Abby had a breakdown before the show even began and was dropped from the cast. Logan stayed in for the long haul, looking half bored most of the time as he could only understand 50% of what the Jedis were saying. Vader spoke English though, so I guess English is the Dark Side language. He did love fighting Darth Vader with his light saber.

Fantasyland –

Main thing to see here was the Castle, but it is currently getting a facelift. Maybe next year. Other things here were – the Carousel, Dumbo ride, Tea Cup ride, It’s a Small World ride. No one threw up on the Tea Cups, though Alanna was the smart one by not participating and just taking pictures from afar. The highlight of the area? It’s Small World. I think people either love or hate this ride. I think I thought it was dumb when I was in college. Doing it with my kids? Had a blast. True, it does have a China slant, but hey, when in China. The Americas were lumped together with the US mostly just being about the Wild West. But it was a blistering hot day in HK, so the chance to relax in a dark, well air-conditioned environment for a 10 minute boat trip around the world was a welcomed break from the outside world.

This section of Disney also had Mickey’s PhilharMagic, which was the 4D movie experience. It was crowded, but fun and my kids were really confused when they got wet while watching a movie.

This is also where we took in the big afternoon parade. It was a very random thing, unplanned for us, and a lucky deal we were right on the street, no one in front of us and had the perfect view. Disney parades are an awesome experience and HK Disney did a great job with theirs as well. We took way too many pictures here but it was worth it to stand there in the blinding sun and heat to watch the floats, characters and dancers go by us one by one.

Adventureland –

We’ll call this jungle area? Yeah, the jungle area. The highlight was Jungle River Cruise. You were able to select which language you wanted your tour guide to speak by getting in “that” line. Park goers had three choices – Cantonese (Hong Kong speakers), Mandarin (Most of China) or English (Dumb white people like us). This was Logan’s least favorite ride, as the boat motor was too loud and the lady on the speaker was way too noisy for his ears. Alanna and I loved this ride though because the tour guides are unintentionally hilarious. English obviously wasn’t there first language and listening to them describe our trip down the river was a treat to the ears indeed.

We passed by Tarzan’s treehouse on the boat and saw people climbing up and down a lot of stairs. None of us were about that life and decided to skip it. We had some snacks in this area and fed popcorn to birds while arguing about whether Toppins/Tuppins in Mary Poppins were the food you gave the birds or the money you paid to the lady to feed the birds. Answer? Tuppence – two pennies, for goods or services.

Grizzly Gulch –

A Wild West type of area, with not much to do other than the Runaway Mine Cars coaster. It’s a fun ride that goes forwards, then backwards and then fast forward. Just me and Logan for this one, both of us enjoyed the trip. Because we bought the Disneyland package, it included one priority pass in which we could bypass any one ride. There were at least 200 people in line for this ride, so we decided to use our pass to go around all 200 people and hop right on! That was a pretty nice perk.

Mystic Point –

This area is dominated by Mystic Manor, Hong Kong Disney’s version of The Haunted Mansion. Apparently Chinese culture isn’t that into scary stuff. I was worried about this ride, as The Haunted Mansion was such a neat ride from my memories that I figured that Mystic Manor would pale in comparison. Thankfully we were all pleasantly surprised. Mystic Manor follows a storyline of an antique collector who brings back a magic box from his travels. His pet monkey opens the box, which releases the magic that brings all the other antiques, statues and everything else in the manor to life. While there really wasn’t anything spooky about it, the family had a blast and were happy we gave it a shot.

Toy Story Land –

This seemed to be the newest area of the park and also the most crowded. We didn’t spend too much time here. I rode the RC Racer coaster, which is basically the old pirate ship ride that goes back and forth, except you’re in a toy remote control car instead. This was my favorite of the thrill rides at Disney HK. We also got a nice photo op with Woody and Jessie while here in Toy Story Land as well.

That’s Disneyland Hong Kong in a nutshell. We like to make things a little more interesting when we travel though. So, we decided to be sick while on the trip as well! Logan was just coming off a nasty little bout of sickness heading into the trip, which he in turn gave to me. It didn’t hit me until I woke up that first morning in the hotel. Flu-like symptoms galore – headache, sinus, sneezing, coughing, sore throat. We picked up some kind of medicine at the hotel gift shop, which did absolutely nothing for me. I was pretty miserable physically the entire trip, but did my best to champion on and take one for the team. Let me tell you though – there’s nothing like having flu-like symptoms, hot and humid weather, amusement park food, walking 10 miles a day and riding thrill rides all rolled into one.

Want to know my favorite part of the trip? I had to think long and hard about this one, as Disney always offers many amazingly good and bad experiences each time you go. I, however, wanted something more than “this cool ride” or that “awesome parade” as my favorite memory of the trip. While all that stuff was amazing, it was a singular moment during It’s a Small World that stuck out most for me. What was it, you may ask? It was… standing in line.

Yes, standing in line, the thing that people, including myself, usually hate the most about theme parks was in fact the highlight of my trip. While standing in long lines can leave you frustrated and annoyed, I found the one thing that makes my world go around – my wife and kids. We would stand there, move a little, stand around some more, and on and on. It was during these pauses in time though that I could talk to my kids, kiss my wife, and really appreciate the amazing life we all have. I wasn’t thinking about work, or American politics, or protests, or my stuffy nose. I was interacting with the people that matter most in my life. Sure, my kids were impatient and cried now and then, my wife got nauseous on most of the rides, but standing in those lines is something I will always treasure. The little pauses between this and that is where I want to live my life.

This is How You Ride Dirty in China

Possum on a gum bush! It gets really hot here. You know the saying – “Its not the heat, it’s the humidity”? Well that’s the dang truth here in China. Seriously, just a quick jaunt down the block to the store and we’re soaking wet with perspiration. I suppose it counts as a workout though so I am not complaining.

Thankfully we don’t have to walk around the hood as much anymore because I have an e-bike. Oh, and a scooter. Well, one and a half scooters, because one of them doesn’t fully work – yet. Ok, let’s tackle the e-bike first. In China, E-Bikes or Electronic Bikes are everywhere.
If you’re confused on what I’m talking about – here is an example of mine –

My E-Bike is kind of like a scooter, but also a bicycle. I use the term bicycle loosely, as pedaling it is basically a last resort and not an easy task. It has a top speed of about 18 mph and can get me about 15 miles or so before I need to charge it. You may be asking, “Rob, how do I get one of these E-Bikes?” Well, I’ll tell you. Last week (or was it the week before?) I talked about all those crazy websites you can order stuff from here in China. Well that’s what I did. After some creative searching, I found the E-Bike I was looking for. Best thing about this thing – dirt cheap. On Amazon in the states, E-Bikes can easily cost around $1000 bucks. Here in China? Less than $200. I have no idea if they are good quality or not, but mine seems to support all of me just fine and doesn’t feel like it’s about to fall apart or is cheaply made. This is a work purchase though, not just some fun gadget!

Alanna has free transportation to her job. I, on the other hand, was left to fend for my own. I had options – ride the over-crowded bus, get a cheap taxi, or a private “Uber” like car to take me to and from work every day. I didn’t like any of those ideas as they involved me paying money to someone every day and also relying on them to be on time and ready to go. So I went with the other option – get an E-Bike. The good news again – they are dirt cheap. The bad news? They are technically illegal. You aren’t supposed to be driving them on the roads but everyone and their mother does, so why not me? Most people say that the authorities don’t really enforce this law, so I’m taking my chances. The worst they will probably do is just take it away from me. But I pass by police all the time on the thing and they haven’t even batted an eye at me so far. So yeah, I’m Ridin’ Dirty in China.

They see me rollin’

They hatin’

Patrolling and tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty

Tryin’ to catch me ridin’ dirty

Yes, I know riding dirty actually means having illegal drugs and paraphernalia in your vehicle. No, I don’t have drugs in my vehicle.
The bike took a bit of getting use to – as it is NOT great going fast over neighborhood speed bumps.

Bad parenting moment – my daughter flew off the back of my E-Bike the first time I took a speed bump at full speed.

She’s fine, don’t worry! But now I know how to handle a speed bump and will be getting a little kid seat to strap her in better behind me.
Did I mention we have scooters too? Like, electric scooters, not unlike the ones you can rent and drive around in the cities. You know, these things –

Did I mention the scooters were free of charge? A bad break up is my gain. No, not me and Alanna. Calm down. A co-worker of mine had enough of her man, so they parted ways. He left quite a few things behind. She was nice and waited and waited for him to claim the items he left, but alas, he did not. So she offered them to me! Two scooters – one that works perfectly fine and the other, that needs a little engine/motherboard repair I think. There is a shop in town that will fix it for me for cheap, but I’m in no rush. While these things aren’t as practical as the e-bike for longer trips, they are really good for zooming around our local area. Even Alanna has ridden one! And that’s saying a LOT. Top speed on ours is about 15 mph. I haven’t tested how long the battery lasts because we don’t go long distance with the scooter and it gets plugged in when you get home. But it is a nice addition. So, in summary, now I’m riding e-bikes and scooters in China. Oh, one more thing of note from that break up – ranch dressing. China doesn’t do ranch dressing. I know, I know, how could I move here? Well the ex-boyfriend left behind some bottles, one even unopened. And now they are mine.

Ok, now that I’ve bored you to death with stories of e-bikes and ranch, here is the week that was. Last week was a short work week for us as the weekend was the Mid-Autumn Festival. So we had Friday off, giving us a three day weekend. The holiday is kind of like Thanksgiving in that it is meant to be a celebration of a successful harvest and a time to spend with family eating together. They serve a special pastry during this time called Mooncakes.

You may have already heard of it. I had not. Mooncakes are a Chinese pastry that can be filled with all kinds of interesting things. Yes, you can have some filled with normal ingredients like chocolate or pineapple, but many of them are also filled with stuff like corn, green pea paste, red bean paste, lotus seeds, various other fruits and vegetables, pork, seafood, cheese, green tea and ice cream. Because they are a holiday treat, they are quite a bit more expensive than your regular run of the mill pastry. Be that as it may, and because last week there was a teacher appreciation day, both Alanna and I received a box of various flavors of mooncakes. I’m pretty sure I tried ones with corn, green peas, pineapple and red beans. While I found some of them to be mostly edible, many of them were not very tasty at all (I’m looking at you Green Pea Mooncake)! But hey, when in China.

This past Friday was not only a national holiday, but also my birthday. Which was also Friday the 13th. I’ve never gotten bent out of shape when my day of birth falls on the unluckiest (especially at Crystal Lake) of days. Although – my 21st birthday – was on Friday the 13th – and Tupac died that day. He’s still alive though – on an island with Elvis and JFK.

Speaking of JFK, have you read Stephen King’s 11/22/63? If not, you should.

Don’t worry, its not King’s typical scary stuff if that’s not you cup of tea.

Where was I? Oh yes, my birthday. My wife works on an island. Yes, you read that right. How cool is that? It’s a literal island. There is a bridge that connects it to the mainland so no boat is required. We hadn’t had the chance to really explore her island, so we decided to take on a little bit of it for my birthday. First stop? A go-kart track. I heard about this spot through the grapevine and, if you know me, I’ll do anything once. We took a ride over the bridge early Friday morning and soon pulled up at the track. It looked… closed? Abandoned? A scene from the Walking Dead?

Some dude walking by told our driver that it was indeed open, so we headed up the steps and followed the signs. No one was there, other than a handful of employees and us. Granted, it was morning and they had just opened up but still, I’m not sure how this place stays in business. We found a ticket window and a price list. The karts came in two different varieties – 100cc and 150cc. I know nothing about cc, other than my time spent playing Mario Kart. The only thing I know is that 150cc is more powerful and faster than 100cc so that’s what I chose. Good news – the 150cc kart requirement means you have to wear a racing suit, racing mask, a helmet and gloves.

Pretty cool , right? The bad news – the 150cc kart requirement means you have to wear a racing suit, racing mask, yadda, yadda yadda… it was really hot in that thing. Once suited up, they took me out to the track and put me in a kart, which didn’t fit. No, this is not a fat joke. It’s a height joke. I was too tall. My knees were in the way when I tried to turn the wheel. I got a deeper kart and I was all set to go. Alanna? Nope, she wasn’t having it. She would have tried it if I really wanted her to, but it’s not really her thing. So I didn’t make her try it, in hopes she won’t make me try some dumb romantic comedy down the road. Abby was too short. (They had a pencil mark on a wall. You had to be above that.) Logan was tall enough but had no desire to almost kill himself on a track with absolutely zero safety regulations. He’s obviously the smartest one in the family.

The ride though was a blast. I got to speed around the track for 10 minutes, all alone, doing whatever the heck I wanted. The kart was surprisingly very fast and responsive. The track was a typical road course with all kinds of crazy turns, and like I said, no safety regulations. If you didn’t watch your speed or brake properly, you could easily sail off the course and into a tree. But I used my best Mario Kart skills and did just fine.

The kart would actually drift in some turns and would really pick up quite a lot of speed in the straightaways. All in all, it was a blast and I’m so glad I got to do something high energy on my birthday. I also lost 10 lbs in that racing suit.

Our next stop was a bicycle cart rental place. And when I mean bicycle cart I mean this –

Alanna and I did all the pedaling, as Abby was too short to reach the pedals and Logan’s feet didn’t touch them enough to actually do anything useful. We pedaled away from kart track and headed into the small historical town on the island. And you may have guessed – four white people + a kart bicycle thing = unrelenting stares from the local population. I think we’re sort of getting used to it, but I don’t think it will ever be something we don’t notice happening. The town was very old school China, with stone walls, merchants selling stuff everywhere, and even a Buddhist temple.

Alanna and I bought bananas for the kids and a coconut for ourselves, cause it was the tourist thing to do. The merchant chopped, carved and drilled a hole (with an actual electric drill) in our coconut and provided us with two straws. Yes, we got the picture of us drinking it, but it tasted like luke warm sour milk, so let’s just say we didn’t finish the thing once we were far out of the merchant’s sight.

We finished our island trip with a stop at a beach. Umm… bad idea. This beach here was… err… nasty. I am 99.9% sure that the stream of “water” coming out of the wall and spilling into ocean was raw sewage. The smell and the chunks (sorry TMI) gave it away. The kids went further down the beach and stuck their feet in the water. I did not, because you know, Ebola. The beach was also pretty littered with trash. To be fair, it’s not the ocean at this spot – its really a large sea that is mostly used for fishing. So no big waves or crystal clear water – mostly just trash and poop.

Later on that Friday evening, we took a trip down south to a place called the London Longue. We were hoping for some good international food. Translation – burgers, fries, stuff the kids would like. While the place had a nice atmosphere, and did have mostly non-Chinese menu choices, it was clear the food was “from” China. It tasted fine, but unfortunately didn’t taste any different than the selections we could get anywhere else. Not a bad place and I would still give it a good Google review, but it wasn’t the taste from home we were hoping for. One huge bright spot – we found out my amazing and challenging ten year old son can add mozzarella sticks to the short list of five or six things he’ll actually eat in life.

Speaking of a taste from home – Saturday night one of my co-workers hosted a Taco night. Now this tasted like home. Not that my home is Mexico, but you get the idea. It was potluck, so I made some kind of Mexican rice… thing… which turned out alright. We had tacos, bean dip, guacamole and I wore my Adios Pantalones t-shirt to fit the theme of the evening. I got to introduce my wife to my colleagues and eat tacos. Good times!

Ok, picture dump to follow, but for now…

More random Pics!

This Chinese kid wanted me to take a selfie with him.

China doesn’t sleep

Translated sign above a urinal

Another week has flown right by here in the PRC – that’s the People’s Republic of China for the uninitiated. I started my new job and the kiddos started school, so we’re all off in different directions. On top of work, I’m still in the middle of the visa/work permit process, which seems to be the most difficult of all the countries we’ve lived. They need all kinds of documents – birth certificates, passports, diplomas, last will and testament, a library card, my 3rd grade journal assignment, and a partridge in a pear tree. Obviously, I’m joking about some of those, but China does indeed require quite a lot of information to set up a residence visa.

Last week was the police station and the medical check, this week it was visiting government buildings with documents in tow. Speaking of the medical check – I got a little book, not unlike a passport that has my medical results in them. Most of all the categories resulted in a “No abnormal findings” verdict, but the Chinese doctors were concerned on two accounts – my ears and my kidneys. The findings showed I had impacted cerumen in my ears. I have earwax. Ok. Next, they said, and I’m quoting, “The left kidney stones”, which I assume means they found kidney stones on the left side. I’d had them once before, WAY back in 1997, but that was accompanied by some major discomfort, and so far… I feel fine here. Maybe the Chinese are confused about my stones. I dunno, and I’m not really concerned.

Medical Report

We’re slowly settling into the Chinese way of life. In many ways, the country has such a traditional, ancient value system, but in other ways they are beyond what one would be used to in the states. Technology, for example, is everywhere here and central to all that you do. The most popular App in China is WeChat. This app is Facebook, Messenger, Video chat, Twitter, Instagram, News and everything else all rolled into one. Everyone has it. You use WeChat to pay for things – every… thing. You link a bank card to the app, and then scan a QR code in places to make a payment. While this is something that some people do in the States, it’s the norm here. Some places only take payments from WeChat. It does make things easier and faster. You can also send money directly to people through the app as well.

Another interesting tidbit about China – the delivery system in general. There is no Amazon here, but there is Taobao, or Baopao, or JD.com or TMall. Think Amazon, but on crack. Crack cocaine. You can pretty much order any and everything you need (or don’t need) through these Amazon-like websites. Some crazy stuff too. Try this – Go to Baopals.com, if it will let you. Find the CCC section up top. That’s Cool, Cheap, Crazy. The Crazy section can be very NSFW. Shipping items can be one day or a couple, and they will drop stuff off at your door in the middle of the night. China never stops working. More on that later too. Alanna ordered an item from an actual person selling something. This was around 8:00pm at night. The woman who sold the item to Alanna told her she would have a “shipping service” bring her purchase to her… that night. So get this – you can find a service, at 8:00pm, to come to your house, pick up something you’re selling and then they’ll bring that item to the people who are buying it from you. Like, that night. An hour later. And it is dirt cheap to do it. China never sleeps. Same with construction here. There is construction everywhere. But the projects get finished so quickly! One day there is the massive road construction going on, the next day, boom, done. It’s because they always have people working – morning, noon and night. When one shift leaves, another one comes in. And then there are weekend shifts too. So a project is always being worked on, and finishes up quickly because of it.

I hope my southeast coast friends are staying safe as Hurricane Dorian draws near. Its much more difficult to keep up with anything going on over there, but I’ve seen 100 memes about that storm. Here in China, I’ve got one Typhoonish storm passing through right now, and a larger one heading in our direction at week’s end. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you guys if you’ll extend the same courtesy to me!

Two Typhoons heading to China.

And now, random goings on in no particular order:

Logan lost two teeth in one day, then another one the following day. The Chinese Tooth Fairy worked overtime this week. Abby also has her first loose tooth, but it may be awhile before that one comes out.
I ordered an Electric Bike. Think of a cross between a bicycle and a scooter. More on that when it arrives.
Yes, I did indeed try Grilled Eel flavored Lay’s Potato Chips. There are more weird flavors as well. I plan on trying to eat as many weird unusual things as I possibly can, all while trying to maintain some sort of diet.
I was almost late to work one morning this week. I took the bus, cause I’m trying to adapt to the culture or something like that. When the bus pulled out in the morning, it was about 99% full. Then 10 people got on. They were hanging out the doors. I chose to stay behind and wait on the next bus, which came 10 minutes later. It was only 98% full, so I was able to squeeze in while everyone stared at the bearded white man.
Daddy likes steak. So Abby likes steak. She wants some whenever I ate it. She had some at school the other day. It looked like steak, so Mommy told her it was steak. It was, in fact, duck, which is pretty common here. She was none the wiser so we ran with it.
All apartments are not equal. Ours is really nice, I’m not going to complain. But… you are at the mercy of what people leave behind for you who lived there previously. Ours was good. We have a comfy couch, beds, TVs, all the bells and whistles. One of our teacher couple friends? They got a piano and a massage chair. I’m just saying…
They have a nice gym at our complex, complete with all the bells and whistles. I joined the other day. Only problem? No AC. At all. And it’s close to 100 here and the humidity is off the chart. The Chinese must think Americans are sweaty pigs because that’s exactly what I look like after I finish a workout.
We visited an IKEA here. It’s pretty much the same as in the States, just more Chinese. The hotdogs are not as good I am saddened to report. The instructions on how to put that stuff together is still just as confusing.

Ok, I’m Audi 5000.

Pics –

Pineapple Dragon Bus

Menu Translation

My Name… in an elevator

Chinese students at work

My path to work

Sunsets aren’t too shabby

Building translation

You can order this…

First Week in China

The Staton family is finally all together and settled in China. I (Rob) had some… err… visa issues to get through, so Alanna and the kiddos had to go to China all by themselves for a few weeks. Well all, eventually, took the same route though: Drive to Nashville àFly To San Francisco àFly to Hong Kong à Take a Ferry to Mainland China. Let me just tell you, the flight from the US to Hong Kong was sooooo long. It was overnight thankfully, but still… long way over there. The flight took off and headed northwest towards Alaska, then west, west, west, more west, the southwest over Japan and then finally down towards China. I could have watched Avengers:Endgame 3 or 4 times on the flight. I did watch it once though. Well OK, I watched the final fight scene about 5 times.

Arriving in Hong Kong, we were a little worried for me because there had been protests at the airport all week long. On the day of my arrival though, all seemed pretty quiet. I was also in the international terminal area, on the other side of security, so I don’t think the protesters would have been close to where I was anyway. I did forget to charge my phone on the plane though, so it took me a bit and a good amount of Alanna freaking out over WhatsApp until I found the one USB port I could plug into while I waited on the ferry ticket window to open. Fast forward 4 hours later, I’ve got my ticket and I’m aboard a lovely ferry across the South China Sea. I was worried about going through customs in China, because I was the one with all the electronics in my bags. TSA had hassled me about all my stuff in San Fran, and I was sure China would be more strict with my bags. Turns out I was wrong. I got off the ferry, collected my bags, showed them my passport, then ran my 4 bags through the security scanner with no problem at all. They didn’t need to check anything and even helped me put the luggage back on my rolling cart.

My new employer arranged for a driver to pick me up and take me to our new place. He also stopped by a local cell phone store to get me quickly hooked up with a Chinese sim card. Rolling into my complex, I saw Alanna and Abby waiting for me outside. Logan, well, he was upstairs playing on his tablet, per his usual way of life. We’re on the 17^thfloor which, yes, seems pretty high up, but our tower has 31 floors in it, so we ain’t as high as we could be. Our place has lovely AC in every room though. This is a coastal area, so it’s HOT here during the summer, with August being the hottest.

This first week has been mostly settling in and getting our work visa process continued along the path of completion. Part of getting the work permit is getting a health physical. Both Alanna and I had to go to a local clinic, hospital, doctor… place. It was multiple floors and they just run you through a series a rooms. First they checked my height weight and blood pressure. The next room was a blood test and a urine test. Eventually they did some type of physical where a doctor groped me for a bit. There was also an EKG, or ECG, I dunno, and then finally an ultrasound. Thankfully, there were no babies in my belly. I think I got a clean bill of health.

You also have to go register at the local police station. I, of course, screwed that up the first day. You have to bring a rental contract from your place of residence, which I didn’t have, because Alanna had it for her police check. So I had to get that from the better half, then go back the next day. All done there.

The kiddos start school on Monday, so I’ve been playing stay-at-home dad this week while Alanna works. We also have an Ayi, which is kind of like a maid, a chef, and a childcare provider all rolled into one. Her name is Lien Yi. No, I don’t really know how to say that. She’s very nice though. But she doesn’t speak a lick of English. Nor do any of us dumb Americans speak Chinese, so conversations can be very interesting to say the least. Nice, hard working lady. No complaints there. I’ll start work next week, but for now, we’re just spending our days trying to master the terrible internet and exploring outside. We’ve found a Burger King within a 5 minute walk, so our kids can eat not so healthy food like they are used to for now.

We visited our first mall last night. There was another Burger King and a KFC, but we decided to try some of the local fare. There are plenty of Chinese style restaurants, but we tried to pick something that would have dishes for the kiddos as well. The spot is called JasonVI. No, not Friday the 13^th Part 6. It had a large menu with a ton of selections. Of course there wasn’t much for the kids, but we figured they might like the French toast and French fries. And… they hated them. The French toast was amazing though! Had peanut butter inside it! The adults got some chicken wings, lamb, some lovely dessert cake thing as well. We didn’t have any napkins though. We asked for them, and they brought us a few tiny ones in plastic bags. I looked around and noticed no one else was using napkins. Were we just dumb Americans and didn’t understand? My best guess – Chinese use chopsticks for everything, so their fingers don’t get messy. So I ate my chicken wings with chopsticks. It worked, kind of. Halfway through our meal, Logan spilled water all over his lap. Something like this happens pretty much whenever we go out. If you have kids, you know. The staff quickly swarmed us and wanted to helped. Alanna pantomimed for a towel, but they shook their heads, went away and came back 10 seconds later with… a hair dryer. I kid you not. Is this something they just have on hand for times like this? They wanted to get up and blow dry Logan’s shorts dry. Which we did, to the best of our ability. Well, Alanna did. I just sat there and laughed the whole time. The food though… was the bomb. Alanna and I loved every single thing we put in our mouth. And there was a lot of it. How much did it cost? $20 bucks for all of it. And you do NOT tip in China, so it was just $20.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten half the stuff that has already happened, so I’ll end this first blog with some random thoughts in no particular order.

We get stared at everywhere we go. Alanna thinks it’s my beard. But our kids get looks too. 99.9% of the peeps here are Chinese. So us crazy looking white folk stick out like sore thumbs. Even babies stare at us. One kid ran away from his Mom just to come to have a better look.
We aren’t supposed to flush our toilet paper in our apartment. So… when we do our business, the spent TP goes into the trash can. Thankfully the Ayi cleans that up.
China’s landscape is gorgeous. I mean GORGEOUS. We’re in a coastal area that also is surrounded by mountains. The forests are lush and green. And there are islands all over the sea.
The internet is blocked by the great firewall. To get to anything remotely American, you need a VPN.
Have you ever seen all those sites where there are badly translated English sayings on t-shirts? Those are real. They are hilarious. They are all over the place.
Driving here is a little crazy. They just get so close, pull out in front of you, and generally don’t obey any laws known to mankind.
We’re in the future here. We’re 12 hours ahead of east coast, USA. So when you’re awake, I’m usually sleeping.

Ok, that’s surely enough reading for now. Ya’ll take care out there.

A few more pics…